8/2/16

18 Months // Growing Pains







I lay in bed the other night thinking about Florence, as I do so many nights. I still had the bedtime song we sing playing in my head, "Elmo sings you a song, a kiss on the cheek...". I thought about the food she didn't eat for dinner, bits of pasta and chicken scattered around her placemat, a mess I lazily leave to clean up in the morning. I remember how today she said the word "mermaid", clear as day, my heart violently applauding her from down the hallway. 

With my head on the pillow, it hit me that I know all these things, only I do. 

I started to think how if something happened to me, where would all these special and specific pieces of knowledge go? If one morning I just didn't wake up? Of course, there is Papa, but it's me that is home everyday. It's me that sings our favorite songs and decides when we go or stay. Me that knows that "oosh" means shoes and "eesh" means cheese. I am the key to the box of her most intimate moments. For now, at least, I know all of it.

So I wrote out a list titled "Florence 18 Months, Everything You Need to Know". I used every remaining page in my notebook.  
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Today we visited the home where Flori will be starting daycare in a few weeks. Just two days a week. Really, just one full day and one half day. Really, just 12 hrs. This is a step that feels gigantic for me. One that I've been inching towards everyday since I first held her. For her, it's like moving up in shoe sizes. She'll do it and it's only me that can see the old, smaller pairs sitting on the shelf. 

I realize it's less that she needs me, it's more that I am scared to miss out on knowing every detail.

But I know too, that I can do this. I will be okay. I do believe there are gifts hidden in these changes ahead of us, in getting a few hours to work quietly in my studio. The mental clarity I'll have a chance at with those few afternoons to myself will pay off. It's a step we both will grow into. These are the growing pains that I knew would one day come. I just didn't remember how much they can ache.  

3 comments on "18 Months // Growing Pains"
  1. This is so true! I often think, "What would happen if something happened to me?!" Not because I am scared for myself but my babies NEED me. I am the nucleus of this home. My family needs me. This is so true!

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    Replies
    1. Yes and yes, Crystal. The idea of Florence being without me is so frightening to me! I just trust that kids are resilient and that my love is instilled in her from day one :)

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  2. This is so true! I often think, "What would happen if something happened to me?!" Not because I am scared for myself but my babies NEED me. I am the nucleus of this home. My family needs me. This is so true!

    ReplyDelete

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