Monday Inspiration // Creating a Date Night

Now that Florence is one, Alex and I decided we wanted to get serious about making some time for us. Going into parenthood, we both wanted to be intentional about not letting our relationship slip away. Of course, we knew things would change and that many of the things we used to do together as a couple wouldn't be realistic with an infant. The biggest thing we didn't prepare for was how tired the both of us are at the end of the day that even when we want to make time for each other, it's hard to. Most weekends the most we feel like doing is sleeping in and lounging around the house-which is totally fine but it's easy to forget what it's like to look forward to something together. To learn something new together (besides parenting stuff). It's incredibly revitalizing to step outside of the house and out of the parenting bubble for a breath of air and do something that is centered on the chemistry of two.

So to make this happen we picked a set day every month, no excuses. As soon as we decided this, I found a babysitter in the neighborhood. And booked her for our first date.

And when Saturday night came around we were both tired. I considered calling the sitter to cancel. I nearly forced myself to change my clothes and brush my hair, but we had committed to this night and I wanted to see it though. So we went out. We walked to a local brewery we'd been curious about. We played darts. I had a soda. An older woman gave us tips on how to win at ping pong. We made jokes and ate popcorn, and it was everything we needed, and nothing fancy. And the funny thing is, when we got home later that night, I actually felt I had more energy, not less.

Now, we're both set on making the next 11 dates happen over the next year. I'm excited about it. We both are.

What do you do to keep your relationship balanced? Date night ideas?!

photo by Bluebird Day Studio

A Brief on Motherhood, One Year In

This year. 

This year has been: 365 taped-together miracles. Of nurturing. Of unexplainable beauty. Attachment. Untethered love. Immense sacrifice. Quietening guilt. Catastrophic joy. A year of being lost and, eventually, found. One year after Florence's birth, I am beginning to recognize myself again. 

Motherhood has changed me with the gravity of its demands, emotionally and physically. My heart is saturated with joy and glee - the best of loving a tiny person. My peace, my sense of self, and my mental health are dangling off the other end of the scale, in the desperate hope of something that resembles balance - the constraints of loving a tiny person.   

I have had to let go.

The past year is a pile of days that cannot be tidied, only bundled into a messy lump I dare not to pick up for a while, afraid that I'll set them all loose, scattering my life into mayhem once again. Some days ring so loudly in my ears, I want to set them to rest for good. Others remain smooth and whole like pebbles in my palm. I carry those days around with me, polishing my favorites. When I do look back, though I rarely do at this stage, I find relief to be stronger than nostalgia. Though, I'm convinced time will eventually flip that. It feels healthy that we're here, standing over two feet tall, with hair and teeth that need brushing (Florence) and a mom (me) that has a chance to brush her own.

We are one. And right now, that is everything.

Teabook

If there were a season in which I remained forever, it would be the fall. I want to be remembered along with the mornings that have turned cold and burst with the big bright sun. I would spell my name in the wind blown debris as it moves along street curbs and fills up decorative lawn bags. The kids walking home from school might notice me drifting between their steps hoping to get caught on the lace of a shoe. I'd settle in along with the rest of the world as it slows down for evening dinners around hot food and rolled up sleeves. The moon would be my final face, it's heavy emergence quiets all who stare long enough, dismissing the need for words. 

I can't help but be moved by the fall. Isn't there something so energizing about seasonal shifts? For me the fall is a new start, a time to shed old skin, empty your closets of all the things that have crept in over the months. Perhaps my Minnesota origin comes out in the fall. It knows that life contains long winters and falls that aren't long enough. 

One of my favorite rituals, that always signals the oncoming of fall for me, is drinking tea. I used to only think of tea as a cold remedy or sweetened summer beverage, I had no idea about good tea. Then during college I had friends that worked at tea shops and a good friend that spent a lot of time in China and they taught me about good quality tea, how to brew it and how to drink it. I've been hooked ever since. 

Recently, I got to try tea from this really neat start-up, Teabook. They ship different loose leaf teas to your door every month. I love this because since moving to Atlanta I haven't been able to find a source for high quality, unique teas.  

Here's a quality comparison between a standard black tea off the shelf at the grocery store (left) and the black tea I got from Teabook (right). Higher quality tea will actually look like dried leaves instead of the fine "dust" and broken up tea in low quality.

The first good tea I tried was a green tea, so I think I'll always be a green tea lover. Teabook sent a Dragon Well in their box last month and it blew my mind. It's buttery and smooth and keeps me going through the afternoons with Flori. 

They also sent a beautiful glass tumbler for steeping. Gotta love the easy, on-the-go aspect!

The tea stays incredibly fresh sealed in these little packets...

This post is created in partnership with Teabook. So grateful for the chance to work with such an inspiring company! Thanks for spreading our world with good tea :)

The Lob

With the move to Atlanta I've had to search for a new stylist. I adored my salon in Austin and always was overjoyed with my haircuts there. It takes a good omen to find the right person to cut your hair, so when you do you hold on for life, right? Unless they move away, or you move away. SAD.

I've been meaning to write a post called, "On Getting a Bad Hair Cut". The first one happened for me in July. The second one happened two weeks ago. Since overcoming my immediate hair trauma, I've reached a place of positivity. And like with most unseen mishaps, there are a few good lessons to be learned in a bad hair cut. 

What I've learned about getting 2 bad haircuts now:

Be assertive. If you are sitting in the cutting chair and you start to sense that this hair cut is going in the wrong direction, say something. You can say something like, "Just want to make sure we're on the same page..." The truth is you're the customer and if you're feeling insecure, the stylist probably is too. It's also good to clarify specifics about what you want before the cut begins. I've realized I leave a little too much room for interpretation and end up feeling disappointed. Being too vague is one of my biggest struggles. In life. 

Bring that phoooooto! So I've learned that I don't have great vocabulary when it comes to hair. "Like layered but not choppy. Not flippy. More whispy than full, but not too flat." A photo can say a lot of things I can't.

Give it a few days. With both bad hair cuts, I ended up warming up to them (or getting used to them). It challenged me to get out of my box and try something new. I also learned new ways to style my hair that have helped me accept and/or mask the cut.

Along with my search to find a great stylist in Atlanta, I've also struggled to find the right hair cut for the mom me. The few qualifications were: shorter, easier, and still flattering. Which, in other words, is called The Lob (the long bob). So here is my testimony to The Lob. It's flirty, but still mature. It's flattering for most face shapes. It works for most hair types (really thin or really thick might be hard).

For a fancier look, I like to do loose messy curls and pin one side back.

   

Monday Inspiration // Natural Wipes

Last week I watched the video that's gone viral about the Huggies wipes. It was the final push to get me to finally try making my own baby wipes. Ever since I saw this post, I've been inspired to try it out. I'm very weary of long ingredient lists, especially when it's going near my little girl. I had already purchased a large box of Huggies wipes that I kept thinking, once I get through these I'll make my own. But each time I'd pull them out to use, I'd have a little bit of regret. I knew how much happier I'd feel using my own gentle ingredients on her body. I'm thrilled with the result and even get a little excited each time we get to use them! They smell like sweet mint.

1 Roll of paper towels (Viva brand is recommended)

1 3/4 Cup boiled water, cooled but still warm

1 Tbsp Coconut Oil

1 Tbsp Witch Hazel

1 Tbsp Castile Soap (I used Dr. Bronners Peppermint)

3 drops Tea Tree Oil

3 drops Lavender Oil

Cut (with scissors or knife) roll of towels in half. Depending on container shape, you can either keep them in the roll shape or fold them accordion style-my container wasn't tall enough to keep them in the roll so I folded mine. If you keep them in the roll, just remove the cardboard roll from the center and pull your first wipe from the center to start.  

In a separate bowl, mix together all the ingredients (I used a wire whisk). Pour the liquid mixture over the paper towels in their container, drenching towels evenly. 

Put on the lid and let them soak for 10 minutes then flip them upside down to absorb extra liquid. 

*The measurements in this recipe are for one half of the roll of paper towels. So just repeat to use the second half.    

I'm trying to think of the best way to carry around a stack of these homemade wipes in my diaper bag. I may just use a ziplock or a smaller tupperware. Any ideas?

  

Closeness

It occurred to me, this is the closest I will ever get to another human being. Right here, heart beat to heart beat. 

When Florence was younger and tinier and lighter, I wore a Baby Bjorn. It enabled the dishwasher to get unloaded. It was a part of our first dancing experience together. I'd bounce bravely down the grocery store aisles while subtlety flaunting my hands-free baby wearing situation. But the truth is-it's always sort of hurt my shoulders. My neck feels strained after the first 10 minutes. I've loved the idea of wearing it, of carry her right on me, but I've never been fully comfortable. It always felt a bit cumbersome. So I kind of gave up carrying her around on my chest. We became custom to the stroller for our daily excursions. And I never looked back at the baby wearing route.

Until now.

She's 6 months old. She's a whole 15 pounds. I love every ounce of that joyful little body. I love holding her on my hip and feeling her legs straighten in excitement when we move to music. Her hands will flap wildly sometimes making knots of my shoulder length hair. She often reaches up with both hands to hold the corners of my mouth, we'll get still and just look at one another as if to say there you are.

***

Before she was born, I had decided we'd have her sleep in her crib from the very first night onward. I wanted to establish her bedroom as a special place where mommy and baby nurse and play and then eventually, we get quiet and baby sleeps. I thought it was doing her a favor to teach her independence, to teach her how to enjoy her own space. I also knew I would be a better parent if I had my own space, and we both were sleeping.

***

I dropped Florence off at the church nursery last week. It had been many weeks since we've tried it again, the separating. I want to teach her it's okay when Momma leaves; Momma will come back. I want her to see that she can trust others and learn to enjoy their company. And so, we use nursery time once a week for practice.

At the end of the service I headed back up to the nursery for Florence. I found my way to the infant room and popped my head in. She was sitting in a saucer seat, there were residual tears under her eyes. The caretaker reassured me that Florence had been happy and content playing in her seat for the majority of the time, it was only when they picked her up to change her diaper that she lost it. She then said, "She's a very independent baby. She's happy to be left alone." My throat tightened a little. "She is, huh? Independent you say?" And suddenly I didn't want her to be the independent baby.

I started to recount all the little things I had done to promote this self sufficiency; and in a moment I wanted to take it all back. I should have let her sleep next to me when she was a newborn. I should have gone in to her room when she was crying that one time. I should have worn a carrier more often. I shouldn't leave her with anyone yet, she's too young! What if I've created long-term trust issues? What have I done?

The thing is, as a parent, you never know if what your doing is the best thing for your baby. You glide on what you hope is the best thing. And often, I find myself changing my mind all the time about what is best.

So, now. I've started going in to her room more often when she cries. I hold her just to hold her.

The truth is, she's perfectly fine. I've never denied her my love or affection. I've coddled to each one of her needs. I've been there, always. And frankly, she's just an independent kid. She naturally sings to herself alone in her crib when she wakes up. She calmly plays in her discovering world. I've never forced independence upon her. She is as content as any other baby, she just lasts a little longer without needing my entertainment. After all, that was me as a kid too.

***

This past week we've been borrowing an ergo carrier from a friend. Trying it out before buying one. And every single time we've worn it, Florence falls fast asleep. She bobs around excitedly for the first 20 mins until gradually her movements slow down, her hands drape heavily from her little loose arms that dangle at my sides. And she sleeps. It's the sweetest thing. It made me realize how much she still craves Momma's closeness. And I'm desperate to give it to her. 

We Love These Wooden Toys // Soopsori

In this last month, playtime has become so fun. Florence's tactile skills have just accelerated opening up a whole new world of toys. I've always loved the idea of wooden toys, their refreshing organic feel appeals over the mass of overly loaded bright plastic ones. Regardless of my stylish preferences, it's usually the tacky ones that get the most use. Florence's recent favorite is the plastic bag of diaper wipes. Lovely. 

However, we've totally won with these super pretty blocks from Soopsori. They're bomb. I'll set her on the floor with these and she practically attacks. My favorite game is, of course, to stack them and then let her knock them down. Her favorite game is, of course,  to try to fit the biggest one in her mouth.

We were gifted our set (which is a mini version of this one) by my friend who saw me oogling over it in a the coolest little gift shop in Austin, Take Heart. I do admit, they're not the cheapest toys, they're more of an investment toy. They'll definitely be handed down through the years. Made to last!

5 Months

Photos taken by Siham Hamdan

 Wow. I get so emotional looking at these pictures. I've looked at them seriously too many times. There is no other way to capture the pure joy and gratefulness we hold for our little girl. She's five months now, going on six, and I'm starting to feel the wheels of time speed up. I'm not going to get all sappy about it though, because the constant change and growth, the new sprouts of hair and first bulge of a white tooth, it's all the beautiful parts of raising your child. The fact that we can't bask in the glorious stages as long as we want to makes us appreciate them so much. The events may reel by faster than we want but the pace also keeps us surviving the sleepless nights and the screaming car rides. Amen for the baby years!

How a Baby Changes Your Relationship

We make ourselves stretch tired arms through the blankets to get closer even if it's just for a "good night". We go on walks, take turns pushing the stroller, we laugh and listen to our small girl babble in the straps below. Dinners are gathered around the coffee table, legs crossed on the floor, Florence bouncing in her jumper next to us. Bath time now replaces happy hour beers and long evenings without bedtimes. Groceries have become our weekly outing. Our living room hears a lot less indie rock and a lot more "wheels on the bus".  

This is the way life looks with three. We've found more joy than we ever prepared for. We've become simple in ways that a parent must. We've dared to keep making our days inspiring. We can testify that babies change things. Here's how we keep finding each other through the change.     

"I made you mashed potatoes, they're in the fridge". This is kind of how our love looks these days. I think a baby simplifies your love for each other. At the end of a long day, the love you need is a back rub or a spare 30 minutes for a shower and combed hair. Simple acts of love become the ebb and flow of everyday relationship. I think it's a beautiful part about having a baby, there are constantly opportunities to serve your partner. "Babe, will you bring me a glass of water", is something I would never would have asked for from Alex before, I would have gotten up to get it myself. Parenthood is very humbling. What you realize very quickly is, I can't do this alone.

Not much else matters. Babies have this amazing ability to turn everything upside down with the snap of their fingers. I have days when I get caught up in my thoughts and I put pressure on myself to start this and do that and then she calls. A small yelp is all it takes to get me across the room, swooping her up, smelling her wrinkly neck rolls. It's amazing how everything else stops so suddenly, and there we are mom and baby rocking back and forth in our our breast feeding world. I have a friend who told me that every time her boyfriend and her get in to a fight, one of them will pull up a picture of Florence on their phone and raise it up in the other's face, kills an argument in a heartbeat. There's something about that innocent set of eyelashes blinking up at you that melts away the useless, pointless energy in our lives. Babies remind us what's actually important.   

Entering into parenthood is kind of like the first trip you take with your serious boyfriend/girlfriend. Everyone tells you, it'll either make you or break you. And it does break you, except in parenting, there's not such an easy way out-so you lean into each other, harder. And that's how it makes you. Because every single decision now is for the family. When you say something you wish you wouldn't have, you're so much quicker to apologize. You're faster to admit you might be hard to love somedays. You make more of an effort to be kind and generous. There is something about keeping the family harmonious. It's so much different than a relationship with two adults-that third dynamic drives everything towards good.   

***

I felt that this post would be enriched by a couple other parent's perspectives. I've asked two other new moms to tell us a little about how a baby has changed things for them. Here's what they had to say.

How has your time with your guy changed since baby came?

Emilie: The first thing that came to mind is intimate time. When there is a moment that we are both free and the baby is sleeping, usually one or both of us wants to sleep too. There is a lot less down time. Every moment needs to be used efficiently. I don't even like to watch Netflix unless I am nursing or folding laundry, etc. I feel like I am nursing during most meals, so Chris puts a lot of them together, and brings food to me while I drape a napkin over the baby. This relates to the next question, but I did not realize how much I miss having a meal that I can just concentrate on eating, or rather, not need to concentrate on anything at all!

Hannah: Honestly, Scott and I have always been pretty low-key. Our evenings before M usually involved eating dinner together and then winding down with a TV show on Netflix - we still do that now, but M is with us. Our social life with friends is still something we pursue, definitely, but it depends on if I'm in the mood to nurse in public and deal with trying to get M to go to sleep in a loud bar/restaurant. We tag-team these efforts so that we still maintain a good relationship with our friends, but it's certainly more work.

What's the hardest thing to let go of from your pre-baby days?

Emilie: We definitely want to hold on to going out with friends (who don't have babies). Since she is little we have brought her to some parties, and our friends pass her around, but as she gets more of a schedule, it is becoming clear that we will not be able to have as many late nights with friends. Soon we will have to get a babysitter if we both want to attend an evening social activity.

Hannah: Hmmm…. personally, my get-things-done attitude. I have ALWAYS been a busy-body (the type of person that has to have something to do even while watching a movie) and that has certainly had to change since M came along purely for my sanity. I basically can't make a to-do list for the day, even if I REALLY want to, because inevitably things WON'T get done and then I end up feeling very frustrated and overwhelmed. Relationship-wise, I suppose having the freedom to be intimate whenever we wanted is gone. M has to be asleep otherwise I am too distracted with worrying about her to enjoy intimacy. 

What things have been gained since baby came?

Emilie: Our relationship with our parents has deepened significantly. We understand them better, and to an extent, they understand us better, because we so acutely share the emotions of parenthood. I have come to respect motherhood as a lifestyle, my body in it's capacity to nurture life, and as grandiose as it sounds, a deeper respect for all living things. My baby's life is so precious to me that I value the lives of others much more deeply. 

Hannah: For me, learning to slow down. She has forced me to abandon my to-do lists daily. Some days we literally spend the whole day snuggling on the couch because she is just having a rough day and I am slowly learning to soak that up instead of be frustrated by it. For us, I feel that we have a renewed sense of working together to achieve a common goal. Not to say we don't lose our patience with each other, but for the most part, we tag-team to take care of M and that has been really positive for our relationship. I am learning that he respects me in this roll as "mom" and I love watching him be a dad.

What things have been lost since she came?

Emilie: Sleep, body self-consciousness, make up as a form of cover-up, pottery and breakables at floor level, attempts to create a sophisticated home decor. 

Hannah: In my life, my need for alone time has had to be put on the back-burner, which has been exhausting. As a true introvert, I need space and being her life source has not allowed for that much at all. I do find myself getting more easily flustered at the end of the day and at the end of the week - I think purely because I haven't had time to myself. For Scott and I, intimacy has been the hardest adjustment. It took me WAY longer than 6 weeks to heal - I didn't start feeling even okay until about 10 weeks and then I didn't feel good enough to even enjoy sex until probably 12 weeks. We have had to change our sex life some, as noted above, as well as be more communicative about what feels good for me as that has changed too. We are working through it, though, and will probably be better lovers in the end for it.

What areas of your relationship have been strengthened now that you have a baby together?

Emilie: We work together. She has consumed our attentions, and share a love for her that is unique between the two of us. 

Hannah: Again, a sense of shared purpose has been strengthened. When Scott gets home from work, he takes M off my hands so that I can do something to unwind, like cook dinner or tidy the house (I know, strange, but those things really do help me relax). We find ourselves talking about what we want her to experience, as well as things we can't wait to do as a family. It's fun to work together on this parenting thing ;) I feel like we both, out of necessity, have had to learn how to be more patient with each other and with M. I find that we both try to pause before we react in an effort to keep things calm and be less reactionary.

What areas have been challenged?

Emilie: We had our first fight in which I raised my voice and became accusatory. I was surprised that it was rooted in my deep protectiveness of our daughter. Though Chris would do anything for me, and anything to improve my life as the mother of his child, I felt that he was not acting as though he would do anything for the child, who had suddenly become more important to me than my own life. For example, I feel as though everyone who has come to visit and help us, and Chris too, have taken care of Linnea so I could sleep. But I felt like they were doing so at the expense of her comfort. I would much rather have woken earlier to prevent her from being hungry for any longer than needed, but I felt like people were trying to 'protect me' from tiredness in a way that I did not want to be protected. 

Hannah: Other than our sex life, we have basically switched rolls professionally and that has been challenging for me. Scott was a student for the past 4 years and I was the one bringing home the money. I never imagined that those rolls switching would be so hard for me. It hasn't been difficult for him, I suppose. He always wished he could be the one working instead of me, so he is really enjoying this new phase of his professional life. However, it has been so challenging for me to accept my new roll as a mom. I find that sometimes I am resentful and even jealous of Scott being able to pursue his professional career, but when I think about going back to work I know that I would rather be here raising M - it's tough, haha. I guess the challenge for Scott on that front has been figuring out how to support me in this new roll, making sure I feel appreciated and needed and purposeful.

What has helped you both get through those hard/stressed days?

Emilie: We discovered that after a day that I am home alone with Linnea, I need time that Chris holds her and I do something, like the dishes, or grocery shopping, to re-charge and to feel like an effective individual. 

Hannah: Tag-teaming. That and doing something together either after M has gone to sleep or on the weekends doing something as a family. When I think about our most stressed moments as parents, usually when M is screaming or won't go to sleep, we take short "shifts" in getting her to calm down. And I mean SHORT shifts - when she's at her worst we take 5-10 minute shifts trying to get her to calm down. Usually it doesn't take more than 30 min to an hour to get her calm again, so while one of us is dealing with her, the other is taking deep breaths and unwinding. When we finally get her calm, we try to do something together whether that be watching a show on Netflix or sitting on the couch together while we each read something of interest to ourselves. Sundays are a nice day for us to do something as a family during the day, like go for a walk around our neighborhood or grab brunch somewhere new.

What has surprised you about your spouse as a parent?

Emilie: Just how much he loves her. He makes up songs, and does crazy things to make her smile. She has become his muse.

Hannah: Scott has always been a sensitive, compassionate man. Watching him embrace that all the more with M has been such a joy to witness. He also lets his silly side show more, which is fun :) He is always telling M how beautiful and smart she is - I love seeing how he is already starting to build a trusting and encouraging relationship with her.

Has your love/trust changed for your spouse?

Emilie: I am more confident in his love. 

Hannah: I know now more than ever how much he respects me as a woman. When I was working, I didn't necessarily need him to tell me that he respected me - I felt respected and needed at work. However, when I became a mom my self-confidence and sense of purpose (and honestly my pride) took a surprising dip. After being honest with Scott about this he told me how much he respects me and appreciates my roll as a mom. He makes sure to tell me that often, especially after a hard day. That, in turn, translates to me loving and trusting him more :)

After a long day, what is the best thing your partner can do for you? 

Emilie: Easy-- hold the baby, and if need be, get her to fall asleep. 

Hannah: Take M off my hands. Starting at about 4:00 in the afternoon, I am just done. Done with dealing with her crying, done with changing diapers, done with being covered in spit up, done with being a walking boob. The first thing he does when he gets home is reach his arms out and take M from me and I feel such a huge lift (literally and figuratively) off my chest. I can feel myself take a deep breath when Scott gets home because I know I am going to have a break. I love being M's momma and staying home has been a good thing for me overall, but man, at the end of the day I am just done.

***

Thank you so much Emilie and Hannah for sharing a glimpse of your precious lives with us! It's so reassuring to hear how similar our needs are as mothers, and how a baby pushes the boundaries of our relationships, always making us more on the other side of it.  Emilie Maierhofer lives with her husband, Chris, and daughter Linnea in Detriot, MI. Hannah Key is mom to Maxine Gean and lives with her hubby, Scott, in Houston, TX. She also runs her own amazing photography business, read her blog here!

ps. This post about parenting and love by one of my favorite bloggers is so good. 

The Dream Boy List

In high school my girlfriends and I wrote a list of the things we wanted in a man. We called it the "Dream Boy List". It's merely 10 pages were lined with elaborate qualifications for the perfect dream boy that our 16 year old hearts were holding out for. Of course, the list detailed each and every one of our absolute non-negotiables. It included important characteristics like, "wears hemp necklaces and converse shoes", "listens to Dash Board Confessional" and "is fit but not too fit", as well as some more minor qualities such as, "is kind to children", "isn't awkward" and "treats his mom well". It was a master list. We spent countless afternoons with our feet kicked up, hair flattened out on the bed delighting away at our curated dream boy. We had no idea what men are really like. We had no idea what love is really like.

In college my list had evolved a bit. This time it wasn't typed out and stapled pages for girls to pass around at a sleep over, but I had a mental list. I had a visual outline. I'd know if it "felt" right. I had learned a few things in my dating years. Red flags are pretty easy to spot. Texts but doesn't call. RED FLAG. Only calls late at night. RED FLAG. Doesn't ask you anything about yourself. RED FLAG! Asks you to drive and gives you the wrong directions and wants you to pay for your own movie ticket. RED. FLAG. I was getting closer to cracking the man code, but I still held tight to my superficial ideals. I still wanted him to dress in retro t-shirts and have unkempt hair and like camping.

***

When I met Alex he had no hair. It was buzzed down to a dull brown stubble. He was wearing sports clothes. He had never been camping.

The thing I didn't know before that I know now is that it's actually the unexpected things that keep you, the things that sneak up on you when you're not looking. It might have been that Detriot Tigers hat or the manly beard that first got you, but it's the Dad that donates to the boy at the door whose raising money for his baseball team that keeps you. The boyfriend who cleans the house to welcome you home that makes you collapse into him. It's the things you can't anticipate that you actually fall for.

When people who haven't met Alex ask me what I like about him, often I find myself sputtering off silly things, but truly I think that's when you know you've got something good. The big normal stuff becomes lost next to all the tactile, intimate moments you've shared. Your view of them becomes something no longer separate, but almost a part of your own reflection, impossible to depict with any real amount of clarity.

The night I gave birth to our daughter, Alex was by my side. In the months leading up to that night, I had gone through the various scenarios in my head of how he was going to handle this humanly chaotic, intense process of child birth. I warned him that it would be quite grotesque, that I would probably be quite frantic and moody and everything that a laboring woman should be. I knew medical things made him nervous. He nearly fainted in the hospital room while visiting after my dad's heart attack. I gave him the pre-approval to excuse himself out of the labor and delivery room if he needed to. But that night he didn't need to leave the room. He didn't get nervous or anxious or worn out. He stayed and smiled and spoke only enough to keep me remembering I could do this. In my desperation, between the wails and the moans, I remember looking down at his hands around mine thinking, these were meant for loving me. 

***

There are things that I would put on my list now, if I was to rewrite that dream boy. My new list would include an archive of things like,
Responds to me in Spanish when he's half asleep.
Makes up a dorky new nickname for me on a daily basis.
Will always beat me at Geography even though I have a degree in it.
Will always win at Risk.
Makes eggs for breakfast everyday. Everyday.
Gives me history lessons about the city on our afternoon drives.
Wears flip flops in the shower.

These are the things I never knew I'd want. I couldn't have written them down in a list. Their value would have been unknown to me then.

On Having a Family of Girls

They are three of seven. My mother has seven granddaughters. We have no grandsons, not one boy to rustle the feathers, to chase the shrieking white-haired sisters as they scurry through the grass. It's a beautiful evolution actually, a formation of swans in a stream. From the beautiful first born, my niece, Adelyn, to the newest granddaughter, my daughter, Florence, we've welcomed each little face as it emerges with it's own kind of grace and beauty. Nodding in amazement as the "sisters" of our family appear, one after another. Adelyn, Sierra, Lauren, Emily, Yahwen, Julie, Florence. 

I wanted to surprise my grandmother when I found out I was pregnant. I flew to Minnesota and waited for her champagne Buick to greet me at the airport curb. I waited until we were out of the car before telling her I had news and she should sit down for it. I handed her our first ultrasound picture, the black and white marbled baby that would be her newest grandchild. She looked up at me through wet eyes and said, "Do you think it will be a boy?!". I did. I thought it would be a boy.

When Alex and I found out we were having a girl, I was a mess. I hadn't imagined what a daughter would be like. I was thinking trains and planes and dirt bikes. I was thinking he'd be a little Alex. I hadn't seriously considered my chances of having my own daughter, an almost sacred thought. 

My great-grandmother ate butterscotch candies. She was the last living family member to speak fluent Norwegian. Her refrigerator was a mosaic of pictures, layers of  Kodak faces, her grandchildren and great grandchildren, almost all of them girls. I believe she is the beginning of all this. The Lake Itasca. I remember studying the blue veins on her under-circulating hands, looking back they look more like a map of tributaries; she had the next generation of little women flowing on the backs of her hands. 

I can't imagine holding any other little person, now. Florence is my girl. She was always coming. Last week at church we dropped Florence off at the nursery. I received a text about 15 minutes into the service, "Mom, can you come for Florence?". On the walk over to the nursery, I'm trying to consider the possible scenarios. Is she screaming? Is she hurt? Will she recognize me right away? When I get to the door I see one of the caretakers swaying around with Florence in her arms. She's crying a rather subdued cry, but it's insistent. I'm surprised that the lady doesn't hand her over to me right away, instead, she asks how to make Florence feel comforted. "Ah-umm", I stutter. I've never had to explain it in words, I've already forgotten my learning process. Now, my hands swaddled without thought, rocking is almost a habit. "I think she likes this", I say holding her upright against my chest. I bounce with my knees. But part of me knows it's not just the right hold or the bounce that calms her down.   

As I go into her room to pull her awake from her nap, I peel back the blanket that has loosened and wiggled up around her warm cheeks. I stand over her for a moment remembering what a fellow mom told me once, that every mother needs a daughter. I smile. My daughter is number seven.